Know what to do and resources

While we hope that children never have to experience tragic events, at times these can occur. Drawing on current consensus, these key messages explain how to talk to a child about suicide loss.

We present this information as a guide. There are a lot of different ways of doing this, while acknowledging that each family will decide what’s right for them, given their unique circumstances.

We encourage you to reach out to community mental health organizations, cultural leaders or elders for support in planning how to let a child know about a suicide loss.

One of the best ways to take care of a young person in the wake of a suicide loss is to take care of yourself. By practicing self-care, you serve as a role model and provide reassurance that children don’t have to take care of you. Seek your own help as needed by reaching out to personal, peer or professional supports.

Before having the conversation, ascertain the wishes of the deceased person’s family about how they want to refer to the death.

If the person who died was close to the child, letting the child know about the suicide will not be one single event, but a process of communicating over the child’s lifetime.

Tell all children, even younger ones, the truth about the death - as soon as possible. Telling children the truth using developmentally appropriate words is the best way to help them begin to process and adapt to the reality of the loss and to build trust. The risk in waiting or in withholding parts of the story, is that they may hear adults talking or find out from other children, the internet or the news. Another risk is that if a child does not have the whole picture, they will try to fill in the gaps with guesses — and what they imagine may be more upsetting than the truth. If you didn’t follow this guideline and wish to, it’s okay to go back and tell the child the truth now.  

Choose the most appropriate person for the conversation. Ideally, they will be the primary caregiver or someone delegated by the primary caregiver who has a strong relationship with the child/children. Refer and reach out to mental health organizations that can support with this phase.

• Find a quiet place to talk that feels safe and familiar to the child/children where you will not be interrupted.
• Deliver the message to small groups, and if possible speak to children one-on-one.
• If speaking to a group, consider the group dynamic- who is in the group, group size, age and development of children.
• In a group context, consider having minimally two adults involved, so that one person can provide one-on-one support if needed throughout the discussion. In a group, try to contain the conversation as much as possible. The purpose of the conversation is to provide the facts, limit contagion, provide support and inform children of what additional supports are available.
• Reassure the child/children that they can leave the group and talk one-on-one with someone if they are more comfortable.

Details about the death may be upsetting and can increase the risk of imitative behavior.

• Start with an honest explanation of what happened with minimal detail, and without providing graphic information. Keep it simple and brief, while letting children’s questions guide the discussion.
• If the child asks, it is okay to give basic facts, but use common sense and avoid unnecessary details.
• It is important to use the words death or died to help children understand the permanence of the loss. Don’t use terms like "asleep", "passed on", "passed over" or "gone on a journey" to describe death. Children can take such words literally and get confused about what’s actually happened.
• The central message when talking about why the person died by suicide is to explain that they were not well. Their brain was sick and that caused them to feel sad, angry, frustrated, scared… and they thought there were no other options. Point out that there are always other options, but the person could not see them.
• Another key point to get across when informing a child about a suicide is that they are safe and loved—and they will be taken care of and supported.
• Reassure children that it is not their fault in any way at all—that nothing they did or didn’t say or do caused this (this message needs to be repeated over and over again).
• Remind children that it’s okay to talk about the deceased person and to ask questions.

We strongly suggest that you conclude any conversation about an individual’s suicide by encouraging the child to seek help and reminding them there is always someone willing to help.

How will my child react?

Every situation and every child will be different.

• Recognize that early reactions, though sometimes difficult to witness, allow a child to begin to process what’s happened. They may range from acute distress to complete numbness, withdrawal or even seeming disinterest. Be understanding, try not to overreact to their reactions.
• Be aware of the shock factor. Repeat key information later. Check understanding.
• Children learn through repetition so they may need to immediately ask questions, or they may be silent at first and wish to revisit the subject again later. It’s normal for young children in particular to ask the same questions repeatedly. Death is a hard concept for anyone to understand, especially for a child who hasn’t experienced a loss before.
• Expect them to process what’s happened over a long period of time. As they grow and mature they are likely to understand what’s happened in new ways. They may want to ask questions days, weeks and even years later.

It can be very worrying when someone says or does things that give you the impression they are considering suicide. You may not be sure how to help or if they are serious, or if asking about it may make the person feel worse. If you are experiencing any concern, it is important to take action.

The guidelines about speaking to children are also helpful when informing a youth or young adult about a suicide, but there are some unique feature to having that discussion as well.

When speaking to a youth or young adult it is important to:

• Refer them to reach out to an adult they trust or contact if they are experiencing thoughts of harming or killing yourself.
• Help them identify sources of support around them including: friends, family, teachers and share your experiences and feelings with them.
• Affirm for them that people manage their grief in very different ways – there is no right way to grieve the loss of a friend and it is important to respect each other’s differences.
• Remind them to keep to their usual routine as much as possible – ensuring they eat as regularly as possible, maintain some physical activity and get adequate rest.
• Encourage them to consider limiting their exposure and activity on various social media platforms during this time until formal death notification is made to surviving family and the community.

The Know What To Do guide highlights the warning signs and how to respond to them